Imagine a day when you send your loved one onto a plane early in the morning to the other side of the United States. You don't hear from them all day because they are in flight. You get home exhausted from only a few hours of sleep the night before, and wake up 3 hours later. Nothing to do. No one in the house, so you go check your email to have your home page tell you there has been a major crash. Before you can make sense of it all because the panic sets in, you get bombarded with pop ups blocking your vision from the only thing that you want to see at that moment. Hands shaking, tears welting up you finally get the damn pop ups to disappear and click on the article. Relief sets in that it's completely unrelated, and that the passengers and crew are safe thanks to a skilled pilot who stayed calm. 5 minutes later as every other possible scenario sets in your mind.. what ifs. The phone rings, and I become superwoman flying down stairs to grab the phone to receive the call that I desperately needed.

Later on I watch the CNN coverage of President Bush actually delivering a somewhat eloquent error free speech (about time.. only took him 8 years to get the speech thing down), and then coverage comes on about the flight. The next 30 minutes of my night was spent balling my eyes out watching them report about the story, and the rest of my night will be spent fighting off the terror tears from getting shook up so bad.

All I can say is thank god for that pilot who turned a tragedy into a miracle, who not only saved everyone's life and his, but also spared New York from another tragedy by crashing into downtown. And thank god that the love of my life is in Cali safe eating real Mexican food, and drunk off her ass from drinking beer in a fishbowl.

Good-night! Good-night! As we so oft have said
Beneath this roof at midnight, in the days
That are no more, and shall no more return.
Thou hast but taken up thy lamp and gone to bed;
I stay a little longer, as one stays
To cover up the embers that still burn.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

We often forget how precious life is until we are forced to stare down at a loved one who just passed. Murmuring to each other how good they look considering as we all cry on each others shoulders. Spending hours reminiscing about individual and family memories while skimming through old photo albums.

While they are alive we take for granted who truly valuable they are as a person. Grandparents are just old wrinkly people who gave birth to our parents, who when they are older repeat the same story over and over every time we come over.

What we don't realize is the uniqueness of their history.

Who were they as a person, not as our grandparent? Who were their parents, and their parents parents and what were they like? What was the true meaning behind the stories that they proudly told over and over hoping that just one time we would be listening with open ears and an open heart. These are all keys to understanding the magnitude of human life, and it's bigger picture.

My grandpa was the last of my dad's parents to pass, and it's left me feeling like we are facing the end of an era. No one's left to pass on stories which form into their legacies. No one's left to live in the house he built up north for grandma, which has become the house that he built for them to die in.

During the week everyone's been sifting through belongings in hopes to take home a piece of them, but what struck me the most is how much I really didn't know my grandparents as much as I would have liked to. Looking through the photo albums I saw a side of them that amazes me. Young love. Building a family. History in the making. Things that seem insignificant to us right now, will be history in 40-50 years.

If I could say one last thing to him before he died I would have sat in front of him, gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him I was listening.

I love music. I love unique music. I fell in love with Zooey Deschanel's voice back in the movie Elf, and now she has her own band, She and Him. I can only describe it as nostalgic. Unique. Intriguing. Beautiful. With her voice and the arrangements of the song you are instantly transformed back, and left feeling wonderful.

Try it, and tell me what you think.

**disclaimer videos may not be everyone's taste.. listen to the songs.

Zooey and Will Ferrell "Baby it's Cold Outside"


She and Him "Change is Hard"



She and Him "Why Do You Let Me Stay Here"

“The key to change... is to let go of fear.”
~ Rosanne Cash

Since everyone that comes here is a close personal friend, then you'll know I've struggled with career decisions since I came out of the womb and the doctor spanked my ass.

I wish I could say that one specific career sticks out the most, and will make me the happiest person on earth and leave me with a fulfilled sense of purpose on this earth. But the reality is I like too many things for that to be the case. So I'm left following some sort of dream in hopes that it's the right decision, and the right timing.

But as I sit reading that quote by Rosanne Cash (because I love her daddy so) I am left to wonder.. is it the career itself or the fear of failure? The fear of regret? The fear of being stuck in my decisions? The fear of complacency?

The key to change is to let go of fear.

The winter semester is a new semester full of possibilities, and starting this semester I've made a pact with myself.. quit worrying about the big picture. Things definitely haven't fallen into place as I had planned or even hoped, and I have a feeling they won't as long as I live in this state. I'm resigning with myself that this is OK.

The key to change is to let go of fear.

So the new plan is to get my paramedics license. That's it. I'm not including any buts or ifs or any other contingency clause in my statement.

I am going to go out in the world and save it one person at a time.
I am going to go out in the world and make it brighter one person at a time.

And at the end of the day I will sit on my couch with my lovely (future) wife Lisa and our lovely (future) kids, pour a glass of wine and smile at how fortunate my life is.

Itunes playing song magic on my soul. I dropped everything I was doing as I got pulled into the hauntingly beautiful melody. I couldn't help but to start crying.

Simply beautiful.

(Couldn't find original on youtube, and live doesn't do this song justice!)

Today I did something that I normally don't do -- read small minded comments attached to articles, let alone articles about gay rights. Regardless of what they have to say, whether good or bad, it does not change my belief system or the core of who I am. I am gay. I am proud of it. I don't throw it in your face. Get over it.

I am sick of reading and hearing comments regarding how we don't deserve to be recognized, as if being gay is merely our choice and not allowing us to marry will surely set us "straight." Like writing discrimination into our state or federal constitutions will provoke us to go away, hide, or scare us "straight." I don't understand the logic in these small minded heads, and most definitely I don't understand who died and made them God.

Until straight marriage is divorce free, infidelity free, and sin free I don't wish to hear their opinions on how THEY should be the ones to determine how I should live my life. Here's a thought, let the gays vote on how you should live your life, and we will forget the whole discrimination thing.

Eye for an eye right?

And for my dearest friends who happen to be straight, loving, caring, compassionate, understanding, and awesome.. thank you! Thank you for understanding that a person is a person regardless of their orientation. It's people like you that make this world a truly better place.

One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back-to-back they faced one another,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
One was blind and the other couldn't see,
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came and shot the two dead boys.
A paralyzed donkey walking by,
Kicked the copper in the eye,
Sent him through a rubber wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.
(If you don't believe this lie is true,
Ask the blind man -- he saw it too!)

I chose the title based off of this poem that I heard a long time ago. Every time I hear the poem, it always cracks me up. It kind of reminds me of aspects of the rhythm of life with the extreme use of word incompatibility by pairing polar opposites such as day/night, paralyzed/walking, dry/drowned, lie/true, in conjunction with lesser incompatibilities such as swords/shot and rubber/wall.

With the rhythm of our everyday life there is that constant battle between the past and the future, between the now and our goals, between right and wrong, and between the constant need to have to work to survive and the want to work as a means survival through personal expression. Regardless of how happy or fulfilled we are, the rhythm of life is a constant tug of war between our conscience and unconscious wants and needs.


I can say that in my life, particularly since being back, it has been a constant tug of war between wants and needs. I've been desperately seeking friendships like the ones I made in Italy. Lisa has been the constant in my life, a true best friend and lover. She's been there through the good and the bad, she's seen me at my best and worst and still loves me unconditionally. As me to her.

But I, of course, still crave those close relationships that I used to be accustomed to. Having my best friend available when I needed her, my Italy gang, and of course my blog friends.. I've always considered myself extremely lucky. But as life goes, friendships drift because of various reasons. They still exist in our life, but not at the magnitude they once used to hold, and it becomes a game of overcoming hurdles to maintain them (distance, time, personal issues, etc).

I'm at that place where I am trying to overcome those hurdles. Slowly old friends are starting to come back into my life, and slowly I am developing new relationships with unexpected people. Inviting over my family and friends more often, being the one to call if need be, and trying to be more perceptive to their individual situations in life. Again, it's that gentle tug of war.. don't want to tug too much or they can get hurt and don't want to tug too little or I will get hurt.

And of course, this leads me to here. As I can't forget the great friends that I have met as a result of the internet. Although I've allowed school, and work to come between me and blogging I am choosing to make the time to reach out to the people who mean the most to me. The ones who were there for me during the good and the bad, and still have chosen to love me as well. Thank you. It truly is "One fine day in the middle of the night."